You'll always be in our hearts

It's always tragic when a loved one passes away. It's never easy to face up to the reality of not being able to see them, talk to them, visit them..

It's always harder to hear the news when you've known them for years, grown up with them, shared so many memories with them..

It's not all tragic though, as I believe memories live on forever, keeping them alive.

The sad thing about life is there's a beginning but also always an end... I don't believe in god, to be honest I'm not sure what I believe in. I think there's some kind of guardian up there keeping our loved ones safe and free of pain... Just not a 'god'.. I still believe our loved ones are around, just not visible..

My friends and family have lost someone very dear to them and even though she is no longer with us in person, I still believe when someone remembers and shares a memory of her - she lives on in spirit.
My greatest memory of her is seeing her cuddling my baby girl for the first time :) I will never forget that moment. And the blankets she knitted for my Ellie, will be one of the greatest memories that will stay with us forever.


She'll be sadly missed by all.

R.I.P
Julie

A Mother

So it's 7 months, on the 25th, since having my gorgeous baby girl and I'm loving every min of being a mother - even dispite the lack of sleep on some nights, countless dirty nappies, the sterilising of many bottles and the list could go on... But every time I see her big smile its all worth it!

I know a few people that would like children but for whatever reason cannot (yet).. Some I generally fear for the childs welfare as I really don't believe they truely know how much hard work these little people are.. Every decision we make will eventually shape their futures..

I looked up the definition of a 'mother' the result was:
Noun: A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.

So, a woman who has children is a mother : Fact
A woman who gives birth to a child: Fact

It's fact as in anybody can technically be a "mother" but it takes so much more to be just a technicality.

I believe a real mother has unconditional love for her children. I believe a woman doesnt have to have given birth to be able to gain the 'mother' title. A real mother is not selfish or cold hearted, as to bring life into this world, who would depend on your every move, every desicion for the rest of theirs and your life, couldn't be.
I believe a mother would do anything she could to protect her children, no matter what.

I love my little girl, she's my world. I believe I have the right to call myself a real mother.

So my point is,

My 'middle' sister, recently married, now looks after 3 children. A cheeky little one (although getting bigger!) and 2 lovely teens, (can you call teens lovely?) :). Did she give birth? No but back to the technicality, does it matter? No? It Takes alot more than to just give birth to be a mother.  

She's Here!

After feeling pains all day wedensday like back ache and stomach cramps I hoped the big day was coming.. By the time thursday came I was experiencing cntractions from as early as 10am. Due to moving house I was staying at my parents while my partner decorated our new house, so by the time we reached the flat it was as late as 11.30pm. By now I was having strong contractions and was using my TENS Machine to combat the pain, I kept telling myself I was fine and I could sleep through them but 5 mins later we were heading to the hospital..

Once at the hospital I was led through to the labour ward where I had my own room, bright orange - my favourite colour, only had to share a bathroom with one other person AND a birthing pool - YAY! lol

My midwife at that time was lovely, even if her name - Bambi - was that of a cartoon deer... She told me I was the calmest person in the labour ward that night, another woman on the ward was 1cm behind me and was screaming her head off apparently lol.

Early labour was fine, I could cope with just my TENS Machine, 2nd half of labour was more painful, Bambi broke my waters for me, an experience I shall never forget, which sped up labour but made it more painful. As I was heading into the third stage of labour I was able to use the birthing pool/large bath... The water was so warm, felt like a hot bath and was so relaxing until the contractions hit. I had my gas and air at this point as the pain was increasing constantly.

I was completely knackered as I hadnt slept since 6.30am Thurs and now it was about half 7 friday morning. I was nodding off then suddenly realising I was in water... After soooo much time went by it was finally time to push.. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced but when her head was finally free and her little body was lifted out of the water onto mine it was the best experience I've ever had!

After being awake for over 33 hours straight I was finally discharged Friday 3.30pm as I refused to stay over night. My little girl was happy and healthy - the birth hadnt fased her at all - her heart beat was steady all the way through and as all the midwives and the doctor she saw today have said she's absolutely fine, happy and healthy.

So even though I'm now lacking sleep and am completely exaughsted - It's 100% worth it!

She looks so much like her dadda it's unreal and like everyone has said she doesnt even look newborn, she looks a few weeks old! But honestly she's only 4 days old now and I love her to bits!

Ellie Rosey Seal - straight after birth - 7lbs 13 and a half - born 25-03-2011 - water birth at southend hospital at 10.48am

Tick Tock.. Now it's just a waiting Game..

I'm currently 38 weeks + 2 days and my oh my am I getting impaitent..

My Midwife appointments have been 2 weeks apart for a while now but everytime I see her she finds something to moan at me about.. Last time she told me she feels like she's hardly seen me! Except.. She's the one that makes the appointments?? I explained that last time she was at Chinese New Year and her reply was "Yes but that was ages ago!!" I was a little confused as she had seen me since then but never mind.. I still don't fully understand how she can be a midwife if she's never had any children!! She completely lacks sympathy for pains pregnancy gives you.. Makes me dislike her even more but its much too late to change midwifes now, hopefully I wont have to see her much longer!!

Today I got strong sharp pains and for a second I thought - Is this it?! Is Ellie making her appearence??

But no.. She's still proving to be stubborn and staying put..

Everything is ready for my little baby, a moses basket lays empty in the bedroom, next to a changing table with everything a baby could possibly need.. She just needs to come out into the world now! I sometimes wonder why she hasnt made an appearence sooner as she wiggles around SO much it feels like she wants more room, does she not realise she'll have plenty once born?? I have tried explaining this, no matter how crazy that sounds...

I feel like Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S sometimes, I found myself shouting "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" At my tummy... So if Ellie can understand.... She's just ignoring me..

Hopefully my next blog entry will be pictures of my newborn baby..

But who knows?? As the title says... It's now just a waiting Game...

Tick Tock...

Names??

So After the scan and finding out she's a little girl came the tough call of naming her..

I had so many ideas and ran through them daily with Chris, I wanted to call her Elliot (Scrubs if you've ever seen it, is a girl) but I had so many people slagging it off to being a boys name that we shortend it to Ellie in the end instead.

Middle name? To make someone unique, we questioned the middle name so much until I asked if we could name her after my mum, who has always been there for me and helped me whenever I have needed it. Chris agreed, as afterall Ellie was getting his surname :( and we finally had her full name. Ellie Rosey Seal.

I'm now 38 weeks and although my pregnancy is coming to an end, I can't wait!! I can't wait to see what my little girl looks like, I can't wait to hold her, cuddle her, hold her tiny hand with just one finger..

Sure I have worries about being a good parent, and pains after birth but when my little girl's here I'm sure it'll all be worth it. Even if I will end up having endless sleepless nights lol.

Boy or Girl?? The Big Question...

The thought of having to wait until 20 weeks from twelve was madness... Me, being impatient.. I decided to buy a private scan to find out the gender of my baby, which, at the time I didn't know but it was a good idea that we did as the free hospital scan at twenty weeks charged £3.20 per photo!! And it was a day before pay day! What a rip off!!

Anyways, back to the private scan. Chris and I travelled up to Chelmsford on a weekday to where I had booked the scan, I think it was about £80 - £90 in total to find out the gender early.

We got there, the place was split into different levels with different business' on different floors. 2nd Floor, Baby Bond, to reception, fill out a simple form.. Straight into the scanning room, pay the scanner, who happend to be a man this time which I found weird.

The screen suddenly lit up with my baby on screen. My bubba was so big! Looked like a real person this time! I think I was just under 20 weeks at this time, he took measurements and showed us the heartbeat, arms, legs, neck, body, head, little nose! Then it came to the gender.. Luckily my bubba was in the right position!

Laying on back made it easy for bubba's gender to be reconised

3D Scan, Bubba's trying to suck a thumb

He pointed out his opinion.. "I think, 98% sure, you are going to have a little girl"

Chris was so happy, squeezng my hand repeating "That's our daughter!!"

I'm not going to lie, I was completely hit with dissapointment, I hated the fact she was a girl and suddenly a flood of tears hit me and I couldn't control them. I didn't want a little girl, never had done..

After much discussions with friends and family I finally came round to the idea of her being a girl. I'd still love a boy but for now, my little girl is happy and healthy and that's all that counts..

12 Weeks

Time seemed to fly and soon it came to my 12 week scan, the best thing to be able to see my little bubba on screen again.

I'd been suffering with alot of sickness by then, I was virtually living off Mash potato, Peas and gravy as it was the only thing I could stomach! I'd also lost alot of weight and hoped my baby was still doing well as I was being completely drained of everything.

Sitting in the waiting room was a worse atmosphere than before, single mums, teenage mums and mums dressed in full tracksuits shouting at their current children surrounded me..Classy!!

I felt really out of place and clung on to Chris' arm for support. I finally got called through to the scanning room, it was quite dark and yet again had to repeat the process of laying on the solid paper covered bed and have the cold gel dropped onto my belly. The midwife pushed a few buttons on the scanner before pushing the scanner down onto my skin. The baby that was once a blob was now a baby! My bubba had grown so much compared to a few weeks ago! It was madness.

Bubba's head

Full body of Bubba

"All healthy" The midwife announced as she wiped away the gel. "Your next scan will be 20 weeks."

The First Scan

The first scan date although Very excited was also so scary!!

Sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by other mums all staring at the floor, only noise was the buzzing of the water cooler and a few random coughs.. Having my Partner Chris there was such a relief, I had someone to cling on to as I prayed everything was goin to go well.

Person after person were called into the little corridoor where the scanning rooms were, I watched the clock as every second passed by, it felt like I'd been sitting there forever. Finally it was my turn.. I walked into the little scanning room, a man sat at a computer and a women at the scanner. "If you could just lay down over here for me.." She asked, pointing to a bed with paper towl laid across it and as suspected was rather uncomfortable.

"Now this may be a little cold" she said as she squeezed out a dollop of gel on my belly, she then pushed down the scanner across my skin. The TV screen above the bed was blank, plain black.. I squeezed Chris' hand thinking the worst, then suddenly a little white blob appeared.. "And there's your baby" replied the midwife. I can't even describe the feeling I got, all kinds of emotions rushed to the surface, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!!

My little jelly shaped baby was on the screen, wobbling around as the midwife pushed the scanner over my skin. "There's the arms, legs, head, body.." She read out measurements, of what I can't remember now and stated "I'd say, you are about..... 10 weeks, already"

I can't believe I didn't know that! Ten weeks and I didn't have a clue! Unbelieveable!!

"Right, thats it all done now.. Your next scan will be when you're.. 12 weeks, good luck"